Monday, May 29, 2006
Things that irk me about my fellow countrymen (subtitled, reasons why singaporeans should all be put in cages for the rest of the world to laugh at/mock/prod/feed)

1) the sign says keep left on the escalator. it's to ensure people who are in a rush to get to the train (like me) get there. read, motherfuckers, read. keep. left. is it that difficult to understand?!

2) pop quiz. when you sit on the train, with an empty seat on both sides, and you see a couple/pair of friends/pair of siblings/mother and child, what do you do? a) sit there and act like a complete moron or b) move left or right and let the pair take a seat. guess which one most people on the mrt do. honestly, how retarded can you get? it's not even standing up to give em a seat, for fucks sake! i mean, it's shifting your goddamn lazy, un-civic ass to the left or right to allow two people to sit and talk. really, guys, just join me in this, the next time some stupid wanker does this, flank him or her, and talk really loudly over them about the most controversial of topics. and when the stupid fuck-ass asks one of you to swap with him, smile sweetly and say ... "NO YOU STUPID FUCKER"! that oughta teach em.

3) to all parents. when your kids run around wildly on the train, that does not signify that they will grow up to be justin-fucking-gatlin. when they howl loudly on the train, that does not signify that they will grow up to be luciano-fucking-pavarotti. when they hit the chair to make noises, that does not mean they will grow up to be wolfgang-amafuckingdeus-mozart. it does however, mean they are brats, you are complete idiots, and they will grow up to be stupid-fucking-scum. like you.

4) ah lians are a weird breed. honestly, they are. bengs as well. fucking snobs. really, they are. more snobbish than like, rafflesians or hcians or acians. i kid you not. for one, they believe that their taste in music is so goddamn magnificent, that everyone should hear it through their handphones. they also believe that their conversations are so goddamn interesting that the world should hear of it by talking loudly. they also believe that their underwear is so good to look at that they well ... you get the drift. snobs, all of em. upper class twats.

5) i. don't. care. how. fucking. sleepy. you. are. don't. fucking. put. your. head. on. my. shoulder.

6) no, i do not want to buy a fucking fake ticket for a fucking fake charity to allow you to make a living. i'd rather you starve to death, to be honest. if you are so goddamn serious about helping the poor and desitute, why the hell are you dressed like that? why are you using threats on little kids? and why in jesus's sweet name does my school have anything to do with it? i guess in a sense it means im smart enough (like the other 6 billion people on earth) to figure out that you don't really give a shit about these 2 dollar charity tickets beyond the fact that they allow you to buy ... whatever it is you idiots buy. wow.

7) while we are at it. no, i do not want to hear about jesus christ. really, i don't. i don't want to hear about how i'm going to hell. or how my life will end up in shambles without him. i've had 17 years of christianity, and really, i don't need to hear much more from some 14 year old with an acne problem that believes his fervent mumblings and observed "miracles" gives him the right to tell me how i'm going to hell. seriously, get a fucking life. you give the religion a really, really, really bad name.

i have more, but we'll leave that for later.


wished by yamz * 7:11 PM


Monday, May 22, 2006
nearly four months.

i don't believe it either.

i've never been very regular anyway

there's this strange, deja vu feeling about this all. me. listening to 1979. typing. not in a good mood. that is an understatement.

i don't know.

i never know. i wish i did

or maybe not.

Forgive me lord
Please, those years when i ignored you, hmm
Forgive them lord
Those that feel they can't afford you, hmm


i am not fond of god at this moment. i don't know. fine. i fucking hate him. this should mean i get struck down by lightning at this moment or something, but i don't care. if god was fair, he'd let me express my feelings.

ive never not believed in god. i just don't believe in christianity.

Help me lord, please
To rise above this dealing, hmm
Help me lord, please
To love you with more feeling, hmm


i don't know. is he a source of strength? a tester of our wills and faith? a watcher? a manipulator? one thing i know, he has a fucking sick sense of humour. or maybe im just too unimportant, too insignificant for his notice.

At both ends of the road
To the left and the right
Above and below us
Out and in, there's no place that you're not in
Oh, won't you hear me lord


a blog is like an old friend you can return to when you ... i have no idea how to complete that sentence. i've treated it shoddily. im sorry. im terribly sorry. for everything. i can't help ... feeling what i feel.

Help me lord, please
To rise a little higher, hmm
Help me lord, please
To burn out this desire, hmm


yes. please. help me. i implore you, i pray to you, i plead with you, i reason with you, i FUCKING beg you. just help me out here. cut me a bit of slack. i've been a good person. i swear. i've been a good person. not a nice person. not a pleasing person. not a polite person. not a generous person. but i've been a good person.

and that's my defense. i'm a good person.

it's really not much of one. it's a ... justification. a rationalisation. the last thing the condemned man can say to himself. but it's like ... sirius black in harry potter. they can't take it away from me. it's not a good feeling, it's not an opinion, it's just ... there. in my head.

Now, won't you please (hear me lord)
My lord, my lord, my lord
Won't you please / (hear me lord)
Oh, hear me lord, hear me lord
(hear me lord)


have any of you ever heard the song "sultans of swing"? men, with crappy daytime jobs, poor, unknown, hard working, not particularly bright, good men, meet in a rainy park, and play their instruments. their shoddy, cheap, battered instruments. and they make music. to nobody in particular. and for a brief, majestic moment, they create heaven.

the job of the writer is to uncover the sorriness beneath the grandeur and the grandeur beneath the sorriness.

this has no point. kinda like life, doesn't it? and four months is so impossible to encapsulate on this page. but ... there've been highs. i can't quite remember ever being so happy. no i can't. and there've been lows, where i can't quite remember ever being so sad, so miserable, so furious, so ... god knows what.

you know what? everyone's gotten it wrong. it's the circumstances. i'll leave you to uncover that. if you are part of "everyone (and save a few people, you definitely are)", then yes, that is the problem. not ... us. the circumstances.

shifting. we all are, really. going somewhere, wanting something, needing something else. and are we happy? most likely not. thank you to xixun, liyana, zul, moni, pek, reuben, isabella, noddy, sindhu, kalpy, sarah, and gavin. and to the hardworking crew as well, aysuria, nick, snee, chengchai, samjo, shawn, i thank all of you. to anyone i've forgotten, don't take it to heart. im not in the best of moods.

aren't we all ... sad? not happy at all? who is happy? i know a few, just a few people, who are. people who somehow can be happy. these people ... i admire. i respect. for it takes so much to be ... happy. there is "blissfully stupid", and there is "happy".

happy is "do you realize". where you know that you will die, but instead of saying all of your goodbyes, you realise that life goes fast, it's hard to make the good things last, you realise the sun don't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round.

i wear my heart on my sleeve. therefore, it's far more vulnerable than most. it hurts. terribly much, sometimes. and im never going to stop ... cause it's who i am. sad excuse, i know, but give me some credit.

to continue rambling, i must say, that 18 years of christianity somehow made doing the right thing sound so ... easy. it really isn't, ya know? it never is.

and ... i have no more to say. wow. if i ever had anything to say in the first place.

i wonder what it must be like to lose someone you love. i don't ever. that's why i want to die before everyone else. selfish, selfish me. even the selfless act of sacrifice is selfish. im sorry. im a human being. i sometimes wish i wasn't, but that's quite beside the point, isn't it?

i have really nothing more to say right now. and im ... crying. wow. for reasons which i'd really rather not divulge, but yeah, whatever. and nobody said i had to be sad to cry. there are some ... things, that just make it happen.

go listen to sultans of swing.

And then the man he steps right up to the microphone
And says at last just as the time bell rings
'thank you goodnight now it's time to go home'
And he makes it fast with one more thing
'we are the sultans of swing'


wished by yamz * 9:36 PM


Sunday, January 29, 2006
Lie lie lie lie liar you lie
lie lie lie lie tell me why tell me why
Why d'you have to lie
should've realised that
you should've told the truth
should've realised
you know what I'll do

You're in suspension
you're a liar


liar by the sex pistols

Lies, dripping off your mouth like dirt
Lies, lies in every step you walk
Lies, whispered sweetly in my ear
Lies, how do i get out of here?
Why, why you have to be so cruel?
Lies, lies, lies i ain't such a fool!


lies by the rolling stones.

I told you before, stay away from my door
Don't give me that brother, brother, brother, brother
The freaks on the phone, won't leave me alone
So don't give me that brother, brother, brother, brother no!
I, i found out!
I, i found out!


i found out by john lennon

While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society's pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole
That he's in.


it's alright ma, i'm only bleeding by bob dylan

"now, boys and girls, can anyone tell me what these lyrics have it common?"

"yes sir, they are about uh ... lying?"

"good girl! now ... you, what else is it about?"

"about ... how people find out if others lie?"

"very good! what else?"

"i got one, sir."

"go ahead, speak up."

"it's most likely trying to convey the fucking fact that one should not blame anyone else for lying if the person is probably guilty of the same sin. jesus christ once said, those who have not sinned, cast the first stone. doing so would merely be complete and utter hypocrisy.

also, chances are that the intention is to let people know that lies hurt. lies insult, lies twist, lies distort, and above fuckin' all, lies ain't the truth. lies insult integrity, lies insult the facts, lies insult the intelligence, lies insult morality, and lies above all, insult the people who are being lied about.

furthermore, it is plain to see that lies, according to the above passages, show that people lie to simply manipulate circumstances to their own purposes, to present a warped view of the world to others, aka their own warped point of view, tainted by their bias, their hypocrisy, their weakness, their temptations, and their motherfucking absolute lack of any moral judgment whatsoever.

case in point. should one not know what exactly transpired, one should not go about spreading clear untruths about it. this does not leave anybody satisfied and actually causes people to break down. it's understandable that economics dictates that all men (and especially women) are selfish, and only look out for their own self-interest, so much so that the lie gets spread via gossip and the untruth need not be spoken directly, merely implied.

(addendum: now, if you have anything to do with what i'm talking about, and you as of yet have not realised what the fuck i'm saying, you are brainless as well as a complete bumfucker. i swear, do you suck cock for a living, or do you do it merely out of pleasure? i'm flaming fucking pissed, and if you still haven't realised what i've said, you're either a) completely innocent, hello, please ignore all this, or b)completely stupid, which would explain much of your actions. i'm sure that there are at least two people who read this who would know just what the fuck im talking about by now, i know for certain who one is, i don't know the other, but i will serve your balls on a fucking silver platter once i know who it is, so watch 'em good. if not, you could cry in the handicapped toilet while i come in to the same one for half a fucking hour and do god knows what. if by now you don't get it, haha. well, you're stupider than i thought. i don't require an apology. but if you want to deliver one, i'll welcome it with open arms.)

so anyway, it could merely be sir, that most people fail to realise that their perception is flawed, and that what they think happens hardly correlates to facts. they then go ahead to tell other people, who tell other people, who are just so bloody intelligent to tell the best friends of other people, and the person who is lied about just hears it in the end. inexplicable, i understand, but hey, who's to understand human nature?

maybe it's a joke sir, and im overemphasising the point. or maybe that sometimes, people just talk too goddamn much for their own good.

or if it wasn't a joke, sir, maybe im just causing trouble for myself. but then again, maybe sir, the author is sick and fucking tired of his words, his actions being constantly misinterpreted and mistold by people who absolutely refuse to try to see from the author's point of view. disagreement is fine. but to deliver the sheer facts in a tainted, biased point of view is not.

and this might not have been so angry, so flaming fucking pissed, had it just been the writer's integrity which was insulted. that happens on such a regular basis that he's immune to it by now. nope, what matters most is that someone else's has been insulted. and that's what makes him want to rip the balls of somebody out and serve em on a fucking silver platter.

uh ... i think that's about it, sir. oh wait. one last final comment.

fuck you"

"well done! that should get you your full mark, and prayerfully have made some people squirm very uncomfortably in their seats. or start cursing the living fuck out of you, i don't know. well, some comments. that was extremely incendiary, and could cause a severe backlash. furthermore, some people would choose to see the ... topic at hand as harmless innocent fun, not realising the repercussions that would follow it. thirdly, young man, it's highly obvious where you got your information from, so they might suffer too."

"they're my best friends sir. they tell me everything, and especially about things that insult or denigrate my integrity."

"then keep em close to you and fuck the rest of the world."

"will do, sir."

will fuckin do.


wished by yamz * 10:34 PM


Friday, January 27, 2006
speak to me in a language i can hear humour me before i have to go
deep in thought i forgive everyone
as the cluttered streets greet me once again
i know i can't be late, supper's waiting on the table
tomorrow's just an excuse away
so I pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own
the earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
at the blasphemy in my old jangly walk
steeple guide me to my heart and home
the sun is out and up and down again
i know i'll make it, love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earthand you can make it last, forever you
you can make it last, forever you
and for a moment i lose myself
wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
i've journeyed here and there and back again
but in the same old haunts i still find my friends
mysteries not ready to reveal
sympathies i'm ready to return
i'll make the effort, love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earth
tomorrow's just an excuse
and you can make it last, forever you
you can make it last, forever you


billy corgan, you bald, whiny, pig-voiced, pretentious, screechy fucker. what a song. thirty-three by the smashing pumpkins, in case you were wondering. just so ... wonderful.

guess it was a strange day. and a ... well, never mind.

went back to RI today. met gary, thammy, teja, cai, bonks, all people who i wish were in rj to just make it a better place.

but well, rj is looking up. not really, actually, but yeah.

and uh ... nothing much to say. goodnight?


wished by yamz * 10:54 PM


Sunday, January 15, 2006
it's past midnight.

and i'm listening to 1979.

which of course, means some weirdo emotional post.

or maybe it doesn't.

i think of myself at 11 years old, and really, just wondering, did i ever see myself like this? what did i see myself as? one thing that thoroughly differentiates humans from the rest of the lovely animal world is that we can envision that great idea known as the "future", and actually speculate.

did i see this as my future? probably not. yeah, not at all, most likely. did i even see a future? nope.

i live in the past, it has to be said. i mean, perhaps i just have this idealised vision of the past, that leads me to live in it so much. was i thoroughly happy back then? no fucking way. happier than now? i don't even know. simpler? most definitely.

part of me detests the simple life, part of me wishes for complications, insists that nothing is ever easy or crystal clear, makes everything into an issue that has deeper ramifications, part of me thinks too much, part of me suppresses and denies feelings that would make life so much easier.

then another part of me just wishes that life was easier. that i could go with my feelings and just screw everything else. it's hard to listen to that part. but sometimes, it's just worth it.

oh, here's a little digression. just as a little wonderment, and as a perhaps big "told you so" to people who kinda disagree with my theory that you can never truly love someone you don't know.

An infatuated person has an idealized image of their target. The person "fell in love" with this image, which may have no relation to the real person whatsoever. The object of infatuation is likely to reject the advances of the afflicted person, because they may consciously or unconsciously realize that the afflicted is in love with a fictional image, not them, and that they are not compatible despite the afflicted one's daydreams. Alternately, the afflicted may get to know the person well enough to realize that they are in love with a fiction, and become disillusioned. A happy ending is also possible: if the daydream image actually resembles the real person closely enough, that might be referred to as "love at first sight". "True love" must involve an understanding of a person on a fundamental level, which is unlikely to reside in the fantasy of a crush unless one postulates an empathic connection or accepts Plato's concept of God-given right opinion.

woohoo. but it's true. how can you love something you know next to nothing about? part of the point of love is acceptance. where you see the flaws, where you know the flaws, yet you continue loving the person, loving the flaws as part of the person or object you love. tadah. that's love.

not the shit that people claim to have.

im sorry, am i being offensive here? i don't know. but everybody treasures love. the bible places it beyond all other goods. " And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." that's some good shit. and our society treasures love. but i mean, i'm sorry if you think this has anything to do with you, please just understand that this is NOT targetting anyone in particular.

but we are in love with the idea of love.

it's so petrarchan. i still remember that from shakespeare. how many people who did twelfth night blame orsino for being so ludicrously shallow to fall in love with an idealised version of olivia and dumping her so easily for the equally idealised version of viola? i did. but it's just happening all around.

ugh. really, it's kinda ... disgusting. there are certain people who are just so refreshing because of the way they treat the whole idea. really. i mean, i fully respect someone who goes "woah, she's hot, i wanna get to know her to make our with her", but give absolutely no respect to "woah, i really like her and really want to be with her".

if you want to be shallow, be fucking honest about it. seriously. and i have to repeat yet again, for emphasis and effect. how the fuck can you love something you know next to nothing about?

fine, so you're in jc, you make mistakes. but if you do think of yourself as a "smart" person, or as an "intelligent" or "deep" person, how the hell can you make the same mistake over and over again?

(addendum/digression) see, i understand how the above could be misconstrued to reflect my extreme arrogance due to the fact that i am sooooo implying that i am smart/intelligent/deep because i avoid that trap and mistake of falling in love with something i know next to nothing about. well, please get this. opinions are opinions, and my having them does not imply anything about myself. if you do think that you have to be perfect and all knowing (or at least think you are) to judge or to hold an opinion, then please go somewhere else and continue fucking yourself up the ass, you're breaking my concentration. (end of addendum/digression)

gee, how did i turn from quietly meditative to pissed off? but anyway, this might get me killed by the community, but honestly, i never saw the point of loving people you know nothing about. it's just an idea. get over it. a dear friend of mine has a good point. what keeps couples of 50, 60 years together? certainly not the idealised images anymore, time just simply erodes them away. then what? knowledge. that's all there is to it.

i do not believe in walking in with your idealised image. i believe in knowing, then loving. where the flaws are as plain as plain can be, yet you still stick around. now that's love, that's caring, that's true. and my life has a few of those people. thank god.

i don't require more than those few. honestly, i don't. the love of a few people who truly know me is far more than the blind adoration/liking of others. so i've just pissed people off. woohoo.

i guess that's the reason for rising divorce rates. all this idealistic views of others. repeat after me. just do it.

THERE IS NO PERFECT MAN/WOMAN FOR YOU OR ME. AND THERE NEVER WILL BE. amen.

because the perfect man/woman ideal is so intrinsically flawed. that everything is based on characteristics, on attributes, on qualities. bullshit. never going to happen. they say, to be loved, love first. and as long as people are going to adopt that sentimental, fucked-up view that only the perfect, idealised version will do, and if the flaws just keep getting in the way, you can never love.

and never be loved. QED.

so, as i said, thank god for those people. really, thank god. for making me understand that there is much more to that crap being tossed around these days, that there can actually be substance to relationships, that there are actually people who understand that particular fact.

life is no movie, is no tv show, is no soap opera. life is what it is, life.

just deal with it.

and suddenly, i realised ive digressed so much i forgot my original point. oh wait, followed my feelings.

i guess all that was just to say that my feelings were based on ... substance. on something. on knowledge of people, and on acceptance of all that is good and bad. just consider this ... reassurance.

good night all.


wished by yamz * 1:38 AM


Friday, January 06, 2006
Another suburban morning
Grandmother screaming at the wall
We have to shout above the din of our Rice Crispies
We can't hear anything at all
Mother chants her litany of boredom and frustration
But we know all the suicides are fake
Daddy only stares into the distance
There's only so much more that he can take
Many miles away something crawls from the slime
At the bottom of a dark Scottish lake


ugh. ennui. again.

please do not let my life be like that. i really really want to give up ownership of my life (disclaimer, this is not a Christian call to let Jesus take control of my life, though i admit, it does sound tempting at times).

i guess you can't take a break forever. and sooner or later, who knows? i may just re enjoy having my life back.

but not now, at the least. it's like, gross. and that sounded very very stupid. maybe im just not in total control at the time being.

think about it. it's like driving. driving seems real cool and all, but when u have to do it for hours on end, u hate it, and just wish someone would take the wheel for you so you could take a break on the passenger seat. and face it, it's way more fun there. u get to read, or listen to music, or talk, or play gameboy, or something.

but to get to where u wanna go, u gotta drive it. u can't avoid the fucking wheel forever. and i guess i can't either. ugh.

well, back to life then.

see ya.


wished by yamz * 8:23 PM


Tuesday, January 03, 2006
time to be lazy and uninspiring again. koped off shib's blog

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?

let's not think of the new experiences or whatever. the one thing i did that i have never done? grow stronger. first time ive probably done so.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

didnt make any, wont make any.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

nope

4. Did anyone close to you die?

nope

5. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?

happiness. haha, wasnt that angsty and pathetic. let's try something else. peace. i think that's more like it.

6. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

too many. duh. first time at rav. ahanong's house, yet again. stayovers at shib's shiyun's and jon's. abel's birthday (the second one). christmas at charles's. and us trip. most definitely US trip. oh yeah. all the times with the BP

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

growing stronger. as already mentioned, this year was a ... meteoric rise for my resilience. whether that was good or bad ...

8. What was your biggest failure?

pissing friends off. definitely. and maths, duh.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

oh yeah, definitely.

10. What was the best thing you bought?

i technically didn't buy it, but ... my ipod.

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?

i wont chicken out of this one. eddy. definitely. won't mention why, but first name that pops up in my head? eddy.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

mine, upon occasion.

13. Where did most of your money go?

food.

14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

US trip.

15. What song will always remind you of 2005?

im gonna be greedy and list 5 of em. Message In A Bottle - The Police. Gold Digger - Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx. Hey Jude - The Beatles. Highway Star - Deep Purple. And sad to say it, but ... Dragostea Din Tei - O-Zone (how could you deny it?)


16. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? sadder. most definitely
b) thinner or fatter? thinner. most definitely again.
c) richer or poorer? monetary wise? poorer, most definitely

17. What do you wish you'd done more of?

STUDY. and yes, i mean it.

18. What do you wish you'd done less of?

being stupid. no i swear.

19. How will you be spending Christmas?

already have. with my family.

20. Did you fall in love in 2005?

no. as ive said before, i refuse to trust my 17 (soon to be 18) year old brain, body, hormones, feelings, maturity, choices, and emotions regarding love. i absolutely refuse to. put it this way, would you trust an 17 year old about love? i know i wouldnt.

21. How many one-night stands?

oh yeah, countless, waaaaaay too many.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

new program? Little Britain. old program that was discovered this year? Friends. old favourite that remains a favourite? The Simpsons.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

eh ... one person comes awfully close, but well, it's more piteous loathing and disgust than hate.

24. What was the best book you read?

L.A. Confidential by James Ellroy

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The Police. Sting. Andy Summers. Stewart Copeland. Geniuses. Brilliant. Go listen. Now. Indefagtible proof that Sting used to be (whisper it quietly) ... TALENTED!

26. What did you want and get?

... certain things to stay the same. let's be less vague, for the BP to stick together. and it has, in spades.

27. What did you want and not get?

haha. happiness. or rather, peace.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

eh ... Batman Begins. Or Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

friends came over, and i was 17

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

oh let's be shallow and pathetic. better results. i swear.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?

hmm. i remember shib telling me "posh". so i guess ... must be all the striped dress shirts.

32.What kept you sane?

wait, wait, who said im sane?

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

all these vague questions, i swear! but ill take it as celebrity/public figure that i wanted to be like. eh ... christopher nolan. still an idol.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

iraq. katrina. im sorry, im terribly americanised. and a bush hater. close to home? that motherfucker durai.

35. Who did you miss?

ahanong and kiki. both too far away. one's home though.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

haha ... this one ... ill not say.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson:

shib koped yowie's mantra. so ill use hazmi's. get in, get what you can, then leave. brilliant.


wished by yamz * 4:55 PM


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